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Saturday, August 8th, 2015

Subject:I appreciate you.
Time:3:40 am.

I'm surprised LiveJournal is still a thing.  Glad it is.  So many things have happened in the past 15 years.  So many people have come in and out of my life.   I'm blessed to have known so many good souls.  I'm wiser for having known the bad ones.  I thank each of you for the way that you have shaped me and the lessons you have taught me.

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Saturday, April 30th, 2011

Subject:Being an adult.
Time:9:51 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
I've noticed that being all grown up is for the birds. I'm 30 years old there are somethings in life that I should just not expect at this point. I've had no children, and am most likely never going to have any. To an extent I've accepted that, in others ways not so much. It's hard to want something that you know your partner never will. I'm very happy with my man, I look forward to my time with him each day. I'm not sure if the difference between can't have kids and don't want kids should matter. I hope not. I feel bad that in the back of my mind I'll always hope for it where he will always pray for the other side. It's funny how life works out that way...
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Friday, January 14th, 2011

Subject:Question the time line. Warning!!! Girl thought process in motion....
Time:2:25 am.
Mood: contemplative.
I wounder how things might have been different if Robbie and I got together ten years ago. Would we have fizzled out with a quickness? My real question is would we have saved each other from a whole lot of pain and suffering? Would it have been worse?? I make a pretty good enabler, that could have been a problem.

I wouldn't be the same person I am now with out the experiences I've had in the last 10 years. So there is a good chance that those ten years were needed for both of us to get to where we are now... That is very ready to be together.

I've been going over it again and again trying to remember why it didn't work out the first time. I can't think of anything other than just to much other shit going on... Should it have worked the first time and we just fucked up and missed out opportunity? If that's the case is this a second chance?

Is it all crap? Is there even such a thing as fate or true love or meant to be. I hope so. There is certainly a pull to him. He makes me happy.
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Sunday, January 2nd, 2011

Subject:A new year, a new start.
Time:11:39 pm.
Mood: cheerful.
This will be a good year. It's off to an awesome start. I've run across some good friends that I haven't seen in a long time. My job just ended, layoff. So I've got an opportunity to find employment that makes me happy... or at least something that doesn't make me want to kill. I got kinda tired of that.

I've started dating a blast from my past... past like 1998. We've both been through allot of bullshit in the past 10+ years and I hope that we can make a go of it. I like him, and there's a really fun energy about him that makes me smile. It's off to a good start.

My back is doing marvelously. I haven't had more pain than OTC medications can handle in months. I find this extra exciting since I've been so much more active of late. After new year's I expected to be in tons of pain, but it never came. I do have a cold right now and that sucks.

Well I'm off to see what Ms Cleo has to say about my new year...
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Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010

Subject:Guilt.
Time:12:27 am.
Mood: depressed.
No matter how hard you try to be a good person some times you just can't. I had to end it... I couldn't take it anymore... I was unhappy... it wasn't meant to be. The spark died 2 months in. At the end of 8 months I'd had all I could take. I tried to give them time to get a paycheck to go with... I tried to give warning.... they did okay the last couple of months.. or so I thought... Now it looks like they'll be living on the streets. I know I couldn't have made them find a better job. I couldn't have made things any better without being miserable myself. To wish the best for someone else and still care that they make out okay in life is hard. Especially when they don't succeed. I just want to reach out and make everything better, but I can't. I'm even doing shitty at taking care of myself right now. When did I become a bad person? Was I always and just didn't realize?
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Monday, March 15th, 2010

Subject:Wow, I haven't posted about the goings on....
Time:7:59 pm.
Mood: excited.
So tomorrow is going to be awesome. I've been on medical leave from Teletech for the last 3 and 1/2 months. I had to have back surgery.... go figure, all that time people didn't think there was anything wrong... there was. I had an operation on my back and had a ruptured disk removed... lots o' pain. Now I it looks like I had an operation to extend my ass crack. Not exactly a flattering scar, but at least it's not noticeable with clothes on.

More on this later.
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Sunday, March 14th, 2010

Subject:Question everything.
Time:4:34 pm.
I've spent to much of my life just trying to get by.... to much time hating today and waiting for tomorrow. So I say fuck all that. I was the most happy when I was a practicing pagan. So now I just need to get back into the community, the loving accepting community.... Hold the drama of course. Can you have the pagan community without the drama? I've decided I'm much to old for drama now. Must update pic, don't want to.... one day.

~*~Beck~*~
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Tuesday, March 9th, 2010

Subject:Where's the love?
Time:2:22 am.
It doesn't make a difference what you try to do for someone, the don't give a fuck. Wash dishes, cook, take care of the animals.... sweep, mop.... here I am Cindafuckingrella and what do I get. Bitched at at 2:00 am because I didn't wash dishes a 2nd time in one day.
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Saturday, March 6th, 2010

Subject:Today's not the greatest.
Time:11:00 pm.
I've had worse days, I've had better. I'm finding it very difficult to date someone so much like me... and at the same time so different. We are both used to being the one in the relationship in control of or making decisions about the same things... kinda weird. At the same time we have vastly different back grounds.... Never thought I'd be with a PK.

Over all I'm happy, the mechanics of things are just a little rocky. It's extra frustrating to be in a relationship with you evil/opposite universe double. Just in case it wasn't clear... I'm no longer with Chris... I'm now with Jonas... and with that I have a whole new line of thought to consider.

Wow... I need a new pic.... I'll work on that.
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Saturday, February 20th, 2010

Subject:everything sucks, posting will begin soon.
Time:10:41 am.
Mood: melancholy.
Will edit later, making sure bugs are worked out on the computer.
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Wednesday, August 26th, 2009

Subject:Just found out it really is me.... Damn it. Balls.
Time:1:39 am.
Mood: peaceful.
So after months (maybe even years) of being irritated all the time I talked to my doctor. It would seem that is impossible for 99.9% of the population to be wrong all the time. Not surprisingly my last post was about every one else being assholes. So I take this pill everyday and people don't piss me off so much. I decided this was a better idea than being fired for cussing someone out at ye ole' call center and getting fired.

I fear I may have chosen the less fun option.

~*Beck*~
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Sunday, May 24th, 2009

Subject:Long time past.
Time:1:05 am.
Mood: complacent.
It's been 70 weeks since my last confession.... err I mean post.
I still live. I find with each year more is known about the world, and about people. These days I tend to think a little less about the general population. More assholes in the world than good people. Still there are a few, if only those few would do more good works. I say this knowing that I don't honestly contribute that much to the world... suppose I should get off my ass and do something good instead of just wishing others would.
It'll most likely be another 70 months before I post again.
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Monday, January 14th, 2008

Subject:stolen is better
Time:11:16 pm.
Mood: content.
So I think I'm stealing internet for Link Systems... (for the out of townies, it's a computer store).... Wireless card just started pulling up a signal... So, I haven't posted in forever. I still exist. A very busy/boring life, but I do prefer it like that. I'm working at Teletech now... So is Chris. We are doing well. That's all I've got to say, sorry I thought something would just come to me... I was wrong.

Beck
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Wednesday, June 27th, 2007

Subject:Posted using TxtLJ
Time:2:51 am.
I lay my head on my pillow, close my eyes and know I'm in for an awful night. What does a person do if the nightmare starts before the sleep?
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Thursday, June 14th, 2007

Subject:Posted using TxtLJ
Time:11:24 pm.
I just watched Trembling Before G-D, great movie. I'm impresed by their faith, the Hebrew prayers are more beautiful than any words I have ever spoken.
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Wednesday, May 30th, 2007

Subject:Posted using TxtLJ
Time:8:38 pm.
I went to the library today, and set my account up to work from my cell. It seems to work pretty well. The trouble is you only get 160 words.
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Subject:Posted using TxtLJ
Time:8:18 pm.
Does this work?
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Thursday, May 24th, 2007

Subject:Wow, it's been a while.
Time:2:54 pm.
Mood: content.
So here I am sitting in the library. I can read from my phone, but it is next to impossible to post from it. I still exist, and am making small improvements as time goes on. June 9th I'll finally be going to take my GED test. Yay for Becky. Paid in full and the date has been confirmed... I can't believe it took me 7 years to get to this point. Well at least it's a step.

I realized a few months back that by this point in my life it I had finished school an gone to collage that I could almost be a doctor by now. That's crazy, however I have not urgency to fallow that path now. I just couldn't handle the blood gore and death.

I am looking into the possibility of being a nursing tech. I thought about CNA, but I'm not willing to scrub shit off people. CNA has basically become the new orderly.

Anyway just thought I'd drop a line and say I'm still alive.

Beck
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Tuesday, March 6th, 2007

Subject:I must suck.
Time:3:53 am.
I even got snubed by the smelly guy.
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Sunday, February 25th, 2007

Subject:cell phone posting sucks balls
Time:11:41 pm.
Edit This
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LiveJournal for Notsotoughgirl.

View:User Info.
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You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.